Here's an unpopular opinion for a Debate of the Month: "fair" is the wrong goal for the holidays. Fair is for splitting a check. Families aren't a check.

My husband loves a rule. Odd years, my family; even years, his. It is clean and fair, and I agreed to it, mostly to stop having the same fight every November.

Then, in an odd year, his father got sick. And I realized the rule had been answering the wrong question. It answered "what's fair to us?" The real question is "where do we need to be?"

Fair says take turns. Kind says go where the gap is.

Fair isn't the goal

I get why rules appeal. The holidays already feel like a contest; in the American Psychological Association's 2023 poll, 36% of adults said the holidays feel like a competition, and 41% said their stress goes up this time of year. A rule ends the contest. But a rule also stops you from looking. Where's the empty chair this year? Who is new to being alone? Which table is quietly falling apart?

A strict rotation treats two families as equal claims on your time. They rarely are, in a given year. One house has a new baby and four cousins in town. The other has a widowed parent eating at a table for one. Fair says alternate. Kind says go where the gap is.

His argument deserves a real answer

My husband's case for a fixed rotation is the strongest case on the other side, and I won't pretend it's dumb. Rules prevent resentment. They stop the louder family, or the guiltier parent, from winning by volume. They let you book travel early. And they protect couples from the November fight, which is real and corrosive. If every holiday in your marriage turns into a referendum on whose family matters more, a rule might genuinely save you.

My worry is narrower. A rule is a way of not looking. And the holidays are exactly when you need to look.

What "go where the gap is" looks like in real life

The first year after a loss. His mother died in the spring. It's your family's year. Go to his anyway, and tell your parents early: "This is his family's first Thanksgiving without her. We need to be there." Most parents understand grief faster than they understand rules.

The new baby. Your sister just had one and can't travel, so the whole family is coming to her. That's a gravitational pull, and fighting it to honor a spreadsheet makes nobody happy.

The table that's quietly falling apart. His parents just separated, and now there are two Thanksgivings on his side. That isn't a reason to vanish to your side for three years. It's a reason to sit down together in September and draw a new map.

Where people actually go

In YouGov's 2025 survey, half of Americans planned to celebrate at their own home, 35% at a family member's, and just 5% at a partner's family's home. Eighteen percent planned to travel. AAA projected 81.8 million Thanksgiving travelers in 2025. Whatever you decide, a lot of people are making the same call, and a lot of them are on the road.

How to decide without a scorecard

Ask the same three questions every September, together: who needs us most this year, who did we miss last year, and what can we realistically do without wrecking ourselves? Decide by Halloween. If the answers point to the same family two years running, say so out loud, and plan something real for the other side: a December weekend, a standing call, a visit that isn't an afterthought.

What to say to the family you're not seeing

Keep it short, warm and final: "We're with Mark's dad this year; he needs us. We miss you already, and we've booked the second weekend of December to come to you." Don't over-explain. Over-explaining invites negotiation.

The guardrail

The risk of "go where you're needed" is that the neediest family always wins, or the loudest one does. So keep one rule of your own: if the answer lands on the same side two years running, the other side gets the next one unless something truly changes. Say that out loud, together, so nobody feels quietly demoted.

His side, the case for a boring, fixed rule, is the other half of our Debate of the Month at Typical Male: We Alternate Years. It's the Only Fair Answer..

Frequently asked questions

How do you split holidays between families fairly?

Start with need, not a scoreboard: who needs you most this year, who you missed last year and what you can realistically manage. Decide together by Halloween, and give the other family a real plan of its own.

What if both families want us for Thanksgiving?

Pick based on this year's circumstances, then make a concrete offer to the other side, like a December weekend. If the same family wins two years in a row, the other gets the next one.

How do I tell my mom we're spending Thanksgiving with his family?

Keep it short, warm and final: "We're with his family this year; they need us. We miss you already, and we've booked a weekend in December to come to you."

How many people spend Thanksgiving with a partner's family?

Not many. In YouGov’s 2025 survey, 5% planned to celebrate at a partner's family's home, compared with 50% at their own home and 35% at another family member's.

Your turn

Alternate every year, or go where you're needed most? Pick a side below, and send us the way your family actually decides.

Sources

American Psychological Association, holiday season stress poll, Nov 2023 (n=2,061) · YouGov, "Thanksgiving 2025: what Americans will cook, eat and debate at the table this year" (n=1,120) · AAA, Thanksgiving travel forecast 2025